Discovery Educational Software
  Discovery Educational Software

Basket  

This is a collection of jokes that have been circulating by e-mail. We have no idea where they originated from and certainly do not claim that they are original. However we hope that they will brighten your day, and perhaps be of some use to those who are learning the English language. Feel free to pass them on.

Warning: Some of these jokes contain 'bad' language.

Hot air balloon
Fast Thinking
The joys of parenthood
Men are men
Trouble with my hard drive - can you help?
Inland Revenue
Nutrition and health
The Texas policeman
Christmas shopping
A Christmas Story - for people having a bad day
The origins of the Internet
How I learned to mind my own business
A nun's tale
3000 year old message
Women v Men, the continuing battle!
Irish Furniture Dealer
Change of name required
NEWSFLASH!
Condom packaging
The Eurovision Song Contest
A better view
A visit to the doctor's
Christmas at the Pearly Gates
Monastic life
Standard Pricing Procedures
Lucky Frog
The Princess and the Frog
How many women with PMT does it take to change a light bulb?
The AGE thing
Finally together
Adultery
A confused child
Microsoft
Take-off
Alligator shoes
Gifts for the teacher
The goony bird
Very embarrassing!
Spanish Computer
Mother of six
When George W Bush met the Queen
Paddy, Paddy & the Pigs
An english lesson of Scrabble
Children!
Did I send this to you already? I can't remember.
How they have sex
Sunday School Lesson
The driving instructor
Doctors and Nurses
The Husband's Best Friend

Recommend this website
×

Site Licences

Our site licence allows you to copy the software onto a network or onto an unlimited number of free-standing machines, or to make duplicate copies of the CD-ROM, all for use within the specified establishment.

It also allows teachers to install the software on home computers for use in connection with the licenced premises.

The prices include one CD-ROM.

A copy of the site licence is available on request.

×

  Postage and Packing (per item):

    1    2 - 4    5 - 9    10+
United Kingdom only £2.50 £1.50 £0.90 £0.65
Rest of Europe £3.50 £2.50 £1.50 £1.00
Outside Europe £5.50 £3.25 £2.20 £1.75

 Currency Converter

×

How to order

Click "Buy" next to the chosen title. If you wish to order more than one title, click "Continue shopping" or use your browser's Back button.

When you have finished selecting, click "Basket" or "Checkout".

Complete the Name and Address section and continue to the payment page (See 'How to Pay').

Continue until your order is acknowledged.

If you are buying a registration code for downloaded software, ensure that you click "Return to Discovery Educational Software" after payment.

×

How to pay

Payment may be made online using a credit / debit card, or by Paypal.

The Invoice option is available to UK schools and nurseries only. Use the "Additional Information" box if you have an order number.

All other customers must pay for the goods before they are dispatched.

×

The Husband's Best Friend

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

×

Sunday School Lesson

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour?" But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your arse!"

... the teacher fainted!

×

How they have sex

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.
ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.
BAILIFFS always come to order.
BAKERS knead it daily.
BAND MEMBERS play all night.
BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.
BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.
BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.
BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.
BEER DRINKERS get more head.
BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.
BOWLERS have bigger balls.
BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.
CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor
COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.
DENTISTS do it in your mouth.
DIVERS do it deeper.
FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.
GARBAGE MEN come once a week.
GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.
LAWYERS do it in their briefs.
PILOTS keep it up longer.
PLUMBERS do it under the sink.
RACERS like to come in first.
SALESPEOPLE have a way with their tongues.
SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.
SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.
SANTA CLAUSE only comes once a year.

×

Did I send this to you already? I can't remember.

Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of it, so be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1960! The symptoms of the Senile Virus are:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.

I don't remember if I sent this one out......... I don't think I did...or did you send it to me??
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

1 I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2 My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3 I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4 Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5 Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
6 All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
7 If all is not lost, where is it?
8 It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
9 Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
15 It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
18. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
19. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
20. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
21. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!
22. Funny, I don't remember being . . . . . absent minded...

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 8, maybe 10, oh, heck, just send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen..I think. Maybe you get your memory back or something!

×

Children!

You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

We chilproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

Advice for the day: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two aspirin and keep away from children!!!!!

×

An english lesson of Scrabble

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS : When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters:TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Someone has waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! But you'll agree, VERY CLEVER!

×

Paddy, Paddy & the Pigs

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol' mate, how we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
Paddy says "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my fookin pig, and ten we can tell 'em apart"
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Well Paddy" said Paddy "I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll av two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear"
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears! How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah tis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy "I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut ta tail offa my fookin pig, ten we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail."
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more.
"Paddy!" shouted Paddy "Your fookin pig has chewed the fookin tail offa my fookin pig and now we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and no fookin tails !! How the fook are we ever gonna fookin tell 'em apart?!"

"Ah fook it!" says Paddy "How's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one.

×

When George W Bush met the Queen

During the Queen's visit to the USA, the then president George W Bush said to the her one day: "As I'm the President I'm thinking of changing how my country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a kingdom."

The Queen replied: "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a kingdom, you have to have a king in charge - and you're not a king."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a principality then?", to which the Queen replied: "Again, to be a principality you have to be a prince - and you're not a prince."

Bush thought long and hard and came up with: "How about an empire then?". The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied: "Look Bush, to be an empire you must have an emperor in charge - and you are not an emperor."

Before George Bush could utter another word, the Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

×

Spanish Computer

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay-cheque on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

The women won.

×

Very embarrassing!

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling at the top of her voice, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a psychology student and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds at the top of his voice, "What do you mean $200!"

×

The goony bird

After many years of marriage a husband had turned into a couch potato, become completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately the goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws!

To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, her husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony bird, my arse!"

×

Gifts for the teacher

On the last day of kindergarten the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son gave her a box. She shook it, held it up, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Is it flowers?" "That's right!" said the boy.

Then the candy store owner's son gave her his package. She shook it, held it up, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Is it a box of candy?"

"That's right!" said the boy.

Next the liquor store owner's son handed her his box.

She shook it, held it up, and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "I bet I know what it is. Is it wine?"

"No," said the boy.

She touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it Champagne?"

"No," said the boy.

"I give up. What is it?"

The boy grinned. "It's a puppy!"

×

Alligator shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll be lucky and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and in frustration shouted out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

×

Take-off

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in the plane said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

×

Microsoft

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party.

They are talking and Bill says, "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately. I sure would like to get together with her!"

Hugh replies, "Well Bill, you know ... ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed. She's charging a small fortune."

Bill says with a chuckle, "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number?" So Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.

They meet, and after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine", to which she replies, "Thank you Bill...and now I know how you chose the name Microsoft."

×

A confused child

Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying that Johnny was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and would his mother please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnny's mother took him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door.

"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse", she said. So Johnny unbuttoned her blouse and took it off. "O.K. now take off my skirt", and he took off her skirt. "Now take off my bra", which he did.

"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties". Johnny finished removing these too.

His mother then said, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school anymore!"

×

Adultery

An old priest got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the old priest died.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week"

×

The AGE thing

Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."

Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and have a crap every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7 o'clock!"

×


How many women with PMT does it take to change a light bulb?

ANSWER: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because HE doesn't know HOW to change a light bulb! He doesn't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! He would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before he figured it out.

And, once he'd figured it out, he wouldn't be able to find the stupid light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if he did, by some miracle, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair he dragged to stand on to change the freaking light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FRIGGING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE HE NEVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE FUCKING TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry. What was the question?

×

Lucky Frog

I decided to take a day off from work and go golfing. I was on the fourth hole, when I discovered a small frog sitting on the green. I paid it no attention until I heard, ''Ribbit. Nine iron.''

That's curious, I thought, but decided to trust the frog. I pulled out a nine iron, and sunk a hole-in-one. Amazing! So I picked up the frog and headed to the fifth hole. I asked the frog what club to use and it said, ''Ribbit. Three wood.'' I used that club and sunk another hole-in-one! I continued an amazing round of golf. At the end, I asked the frog where we should go next. ''Ribbit. Las Vegas.''

So we went to Las Vegas, and I asked the frog what we should do first. ''Ribbit. Roulette.''

So we went up to the roulette table, and I asked the frog how much I should gamble. ''Ribbit. Three thousand dollars.''

It was a lot of money, but I took a chance. Needless to say, I won big! I took my earnings and got the best room in the hotel. Once we were up there, I asked the frog if there was anything I could do to repay it. ''Ribbit. Kiss me.''

I figured, what the hell, it's just a frog. So I kissed the frog, and it turned into a beautiful 14-year old girl. And that, Your Honour, is how she ended up in my hotel room.

×

Standard Pricing Procedures

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain'.

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '£5,000 for a male brain; £200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.

A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used a lot more.'

×

Monastic life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.' He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, 'We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!' His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, Father?'

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was... CELEBRATE!!!'

×

Christmas at the Pearly Gates

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carol's.'

×

Change of name required

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.' Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, 'What's your name?'

The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.'

'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Never!'

The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years. You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'

'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office.

Five years later the agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Dick van Dyke

×

Irish Furniture Dealer

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he went to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

×

Women v Men, the continuing battle!

Two female friends are catching up:

- So, how was your evening last night?

- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?

- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful.

Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking":

- So, how was your evening last night?

- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?

- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful. Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these fucking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing.

×

3000 year old message

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

Cave symbols

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3000 years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society, who also happened to be a Greens senator, pointed to first drawing and said:

"This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.

"You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

"The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.

"Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea.

"The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said:

""Idiots...Hebrew is read from right to left... It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick."

×

A nun's tale

Mother Superior called a special meeting of the nuns and announced:

"We have a case of chlamydia in the convent."

An old nun at the back of the room muttered:

"I hope it's better than that fucking pinot grigio we had last week!"

×

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13...13...13".

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, "14...14...14."

×

The origins of the Internet

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How so dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums sounded out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO!," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth - as true as I'm riding this camel !!

×

A Christmas Story - for people having a bad day

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves didn't produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered everywhere.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. But when he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

×

Inland Revenue

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the Inland Revenue, keen to begin tracking down high-powered offenders. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward, and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Inland Revenue"
"The Inland Revenue?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, "the Inland Revenue. ...and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

×

Trouble with my hard drive - can you help?

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products, and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 3pm, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2016.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and WhingeExcel. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2016, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2016, it tends to delete all of your Money files before uninstalling itself.

Any help on this matter would be most gratefully received.

×

The joys of parenthood

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit", God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve! We have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh", Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know", said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

But there is reassurance in the story! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

×

Fast Thinking

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in the next paddock, fixed up picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some mango and avocado trees. The dam was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam, as he hadn't been there for a while, to look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned. "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked".

Holding the bucket up he said "I'm here to feed the crocodile".

Moral: Old men might walk slow, but they can still think fast.

×

Hot air balloon

A woman in a hot air balloon realised she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!